Tuba Commandments
1. Thou shalt wear thy beret to the right, nay the left.
2. Thou shalt covet not thy neighbor’s mouthpiece bits.
3. Thou shalt not throw garbage in thy neighbor’s sousaphone bell.
4. When faith in thy music faltereth, improvise……….Loudly!!!!!!!
5. Thou shalt not play when thy spit valve needeth to be emptied.
6. Thou shalt learn to count. (To four at least)
7. Thou shalt put up thy tuba when thou art not playing or face certain death.
8. Thou shalt flirt with the flautists, color guard, cheerleaders, female band members, other bands’ female band members and/or anything that is attractive and aged 15-20.
9. Thou shalt always scream excessively loudly when cheering.
10. Thou shalt blame the percussion, for thou art never wrong.
11. Thou shalt dent thy fellow Tuba’s bell for being emo.
12. Thou shalt take thy fellow Tuba’s slides when bored.
13. Thou shalt laugh at the Bass Trombonist when they can’t play their pedal C… with vibrato.
14. Thou shalt scream random colors such as “BLACK!” at pep rallies, football games, etc., or whenever thou seest fit.
15. Thou shalt have strange hair and go on Adventure Fridays…. EVERY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!
16. Thou shalt be snooty and full of thy false pretenses.
17. Thou shalt always mock the trombonists whilst thou playest louder than they.
18. PP is equal to FFF. Always.
19. Thou must remember to find thine brain after thou hast graduated. Oh wait…you can’t
20. When thou art the only Sousaphone player in Marching Band then the only choice is to play as if thou wast with three others.
21. If band director sayeth louder, increase thine volume by no less then five steps.
22. If a rival band tuba section dances and thou believest that they are challenging thee, then on thee next one thou shall dance thee tuba heart out
23. In concert band, thou must remember one thing: Tuba is always melody, except for when it’s not…therefore tuba is still the melody.
24. Number 23 also applieth to Band of Marching.
25. The Drum Major doth not know better than thou. Thine internal chronometer is better. Sousaphone players say at what tempo a song shall be conducted.
26. If a Drum Major is of the opposite gender, then no matter whatever relationships that they may be in, you have exclusive rights to them.
27. If thou findest a female Sousaphone/Tuba Player, then thou hast been blessed by the tuba gods. Treat her as if she is a fellow Bass player (But sexier than the males), thus she is better than all other band members but still lower than you. 28. Remember thou controllest the band.
29. Thou shall blast the music and ruin it for everyone.
30. Thou shalt mock, pity and ridicule the drum major when they can’t keep a steady tempo.
31. If thou art the obese tuba player thou must mock the skinny tuba player or face the faults of being the loser tuba player.
32. Befriend the black tuba player, for he is destined by fate to go farther than thou.
33. Thou shalt always kill the moment by blasting
34. Thou mustn’t run whilst thou holdest a tuba, for clarinets are easily broken.
35. Thou mustn’t run ever, for good tuba players are lazy.
36. Thou shalt always make up words that have tuba in them for they are funny, e.g. Tubalicious, Tubatoothpaste, Tubaloompa,
37. Thou shalt always disregard the drum major’s instructions to low brass, for tuba is its own section.
38. If a tuba player is fatter than thee, thou shalt accept him as thy master.
39. If thou art a crappy-sounding tuba player, improvise by being the best tuba dancer for it pleases the crowd more than thine playing.
40. If thou hast a boring tuba part and lame marching show, spice it up with tuba visuals, e.g. tuba 360 or the fat double 180, pelvic thrusts, super crazy or the tuba hoop, golden arse wipe, fast turns to the left or right, and the infamous tuba wave.
41. If ever thou happen upon a polka band, thou must join it.
42. Thou shalt never own an F tuba with fewer than five valves.
43. At every opportunity, thou shalt crush thou fellow band members’ puny instruments with a drop of your mighty Tuba (Inside its case of course) onto woodwind and string instruments (Not in their case of course). When questioned as to why you have let this “calamity” happen, yell at them about how important thou is to the band and how one piccolo is of no consequence.
44. When crushing a fellow band members instrument remember thou ist not a bully but thou ist just thy BEST.
45. Thou shalt use public transport to transport your instrument of destruction.
46. One octave lower than written is good, two octaves better! (This commandment also applieth to the higher octave) .
47. Sousaphone players are not to wear black shirts to practice for the tuba does not like that and will bleed on to your shirt with blood that cannot be washed off.
48. Thou must not play charge with the trumpets as to not piss them off.
49. Thou shalt take your mouth piece out of the sousaphone while dancing unless thou likith eye patches.
50. Thou can calculate the greatness of a tuba player by counting the dents on his sousaphone 0 new or a wuss, 10 crappy, 30 okay 60 good, 100 guru’s bitch, 250 guru’s sexy bitch, 500 guru, 1,000 Godly, 1,000,000 Chuck Norris.
51. Be weary of oboes, for they are almost as awesome as you and are most likely to launch a coup.
52. When though hast a question on thy mind remember tuba is thy answer to the universe
53. Thou may date fellow female tubists/sousaphone.
54.Thou shalt not touch thy fellow tubas spit valve
55. Thy TUBA is the law
56. Thee shall always shove the head of any piccolo player who disrupts your musical genius into thy neighbors tuba.
57. Just like 56 but replace piccolo with ANYONE.
58. If thou has a fat AND black tuba player then thou must bow down to him as your superior in all ways. All of them. (Including Sexual Desires.)
59. When thou findest an amount of rests greater than one measure length, thou shalt improvise, quickly.
666. The devil shalt never defeat thee thou art more lovely and more temperate. The tuba also created Old English and Shakespearean plays.
60. Thou shalt always follow these commandments and if they are ignored the mighty Tuba god in the sky shall rain his brass fury upon you in the form of flying tubas with lasers and chickens.
61. If thou is crowded by drumline during cadence, make room. Remember, thy Tuba dance is more important than cadence.
62. During tuba song in stadium, thou shall play loud enough to where thy lungs bleed, thy lining of windpipe is blown into thy valves, and thy neighbor below theeseardrums are ruptured.
(via musicalmelody)
